Dreaful Bad Movies

Where do truly bad movies come from, movies so terrible no one would watch them for any amount of money? Who decides these scripts should be made, and what investor pays for them? How desperate must an actor be to take a part? The crew, working for basic pay, doesn’t care. The cast is lucky if lunch is safe to eat. It's often not just individual failures that lead to these films being produced. Industry pressures, like the need to fill slots for distributors or leverage beneficial tax incentives, can drive investors to push questionable projects forward, hoping for a return on their risk. Tax incentives, for example, allow productions to save significant amounts in costs by filming in specific locations, thereby enticing investors to finance low-budget films. Sometimes, these films are made because they can be sold as part of a package deal. This means several films are bundled together and sold to distributors, where the poor performance of one might be offset by the success of others in the package. Such strategies make a loss on one film potentially acceptable, as long as others perform well.

To their credit, these actors throw themselves into the work. They know the film won’t launch their careers, but they also know no one who matters will ever see it. Acting is what they do, and maybe, just maybe, this gig will lead to something better. Even if it doesn’t, they’ll take pride in their effort—though you’ll never hear them mention it. Take Tom, who once squeezed into a tiny trailer with three other hopefuls on a shoestring sci-fi set. He knew the movie would never see a red carpet, but he still gave it his all, treating every scene like it was Oscar night. Later, he’d laugh about it, saying these projects never bring fame, but they do offer a chance to hone your craft and collect stories to make your friends howl. That sense of camaraderie is what gets actors like Tom through the chaos, even if these films are never discussed again. For anyone starting out, surviving these sets teaches grit and flexibility. Keep sharpening your skills, build friendships, and wring every drop of experience from even the worst roles.

On the set of a bargain-bin horror flick, the cast and crew circled the snack table like wary animals, eyeing limp sandwiches and soup that barely qualified as warm. Edible, maybe, but not exactly nourishing. When one actor lifted the soup lid, a plastic rat bobbed to the surface—a prank from a crew member desperate for a laugh. For a moment, everyone forgot the misery and cracked up, a rare break in the grind. The trick is to get in line early. The food is bad, but it only gets worse as the trays empty. By the end, the unlucky few are left sipping mysterious sauces from the bottom, hoping the absence of rats is a good sign, depending on the venue.

This turned out to be the best part of the shoot. Sometimes, the director doesn’t speak the same language as the cast. They don’t know what the director wants, and he can’t see why they are doing something differently. He screams at them in Russian. Whether it affects the movie is questionable. One cast member always says, “Make sure you get my good side.” What good side? The actor was uglier without the mask. Sometimes the actors aren’t sure which scene they're shooting. You know it’s not right, but they are unsure. They’re unsure of almost anything about this movie. They go by the script, which is never done in Hollywood.

After a few days, there’s enough footage to cobble together a movie. With no budget for a real editor, they hand the mess to whoever is available. If anyone should feel guilty, it’s these editors—they could save the world from a wasted evening by just burning the reels. They splice together whatever passes for the best scenes and call it finished. Of course, ‘best’ is a generous term. A decent film is one that doesn’t get you arrested or keyed in the parking lot. There’s never a wrap party; no one wants to risk laughing out loud when the movie is mentioned.

There's no real reason to be so hard on these seemingly junk movies; it’s no one's fault except the screenwriter, the financier, and the director. The writer has already got the money and has gone to write more trash. This script was his best; liquor had long been his talent. The financier gambled and lost. Piss on him. The director was hired despite the language barrier, was an optimistic financier, and a director out of his league. Now the thing is ready. No movie theater will carry it. Jean’s Funhouse called but hung up when it found out it wasn’t porno. That it was close to it didn’t matter. It did to the actress because the actor always ate garlic with its obvious result. A few times, they had to take a break while someone cleaned up the vomit. They wanted pro like in prostitutes. The lead actress was one. It was better than waiting on tables and left the daytime for auditions. Life in Hollywood was a bitch, and so was she. It certainly wasn’t what Mama thought it would be, and neither did she, but there you have it.

A film editor is supposed to turn raw video and sound into a movie—stitching scenes together, smoothing out transitions, and pretending there’s a story somewhere. Good editors know what they’re doing and have enough self-respect not to touch a disaster like this. Cheap movies settle for anyone who shows up with a resume. The investor, convinced he’s spent enough, hires whoever claims the skill. The result is predictable. Yet they are being watched

Who watches this stuff? It isn’t kids, they can always find better things to do. They also don’t know why they want to grow up,not if this is the result. Most, if not all, adults don’t admit to watching it. It’s sort of back in the day, every guy was reading the stories and not even glancing at the naked women.

You’re tricked into signing up for a streaming channel because there are no commercials. Ha! They go to ten minutes of commercials before they start the interrupted movie. Somewhere along the line, someone thought that would fool people. It did for a while. It still does. They say they have the largest number of shows. They all have the same shows. Technically, they aren’t lying. They would lie if it helps them even a little bit. They already have your money, so it doesn’t matter. Everyone claims that streaming is the best thing since cable. Some of them aren’t lying.

Still, you have to wonder if these films, forgotten or maligned, serve a hidden purpose? Maybe they reveal more about the industry and ourselves than we realize, lingering long after the credits roll.

Another audition. Another chance for stardom. Another chance to live out his dream Another chance to be told, “We’ll be in touch.”, though they never did. One line. It was just one line. Ted was as ready as he could be.

“Taste’s good”, he said

“No, that’s not what we’re looking for” ,.the director of the show said.

“Taste’s good”, Ted said again.

“No, we-”

“Taste’s good. Taste’s good? TASTE’S GOOD!!!”

“No, we’ll be in touch.”

Ted walked to the door mumbling to himself. “Taste’s good.”

“That’s it! That’s what we want!”

“What!? What’s what you want? Taste’s good?”

“No, it’s no good. We’ll keep you in mind if something else comes up.”

Ted was pretty bummed out by the time he got to his neighborhood. His neighborhood wasn’t what you call one of the better ones. It was the type of neighborhood where you didn’t look people in the eye in case they wanted to know what you were looking at. That usually got followed by a butt kicking. The apartment itself wasn’t even a real apartment so much as it was a room he shared with a colony of roaches who probably had squatter’s rights.

Ted was so bummed out that he forgot to get into his apartment the usual way. The usual way being to sneak down the alley, climb up the fire escape and crawl through the bathroom window. This way Ted could avoid meeting anyone in the hallway, such as his landlord.

“Ted! Ted Smith! I want to talk to you”, his landlord yelled out. “You owe me rent for this month. You owe me rent for last month. I got to have money.”

“Oh, hello, Billings. Now, I know I owe you some back rent. I’ve been a little down on my luck lately but-”

“Ain’t no but. Ted, the only luck you have is all bad. Actors! You can’t keep a job cause you leave to go to auditions for jobs you ain’t never gonna get. Actors! You quit a job to get one day as an extra! The only one knows you in the show is your momma.”

“Look, Billings, one of these days my ship’s going to come in and then-”

“No, it ain’t. Your ship sunk in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. There weren’t no survivors. It sank so deep a submarine couldn’t find it. I need some money and soon.”

When Ted got to his job as a busboy at Pierre Pierre he was bummed out even more to see that Tully showed up. Tully, Ted thought, is a broken down, moronic fool. if he has any teeth left they must be in the back since only his gums show when he smiled. Tully only shows up to wash dishes when he needs money for wine or whatever drug he uses to freak himself out.

“Hey, Ted Smith, how’s the actin career goin. You and Di Niro, right?” Tully then laughed his butt off. He laughed so hard his eyes watered and his nose ran. He wiped his nose with the back of his hand and wiped it on his pants. Then he picked a load of clean dishes and set them on the table.

Ted figured that Tully alone was a dozen violations of the health standards. One thing Ted knew was that when he made it big he’d never, never eat here.

Ted didn’t know that an actor’s career had four stages. Who’s Ted Smith? Get me Ted Smith. Get me a Ted Smith type. Who’s Ted Smith?

If he had known he’d think he’d passed stage two and three. He was good at one and four.

Cinema is a matter of what's in the frame and what's out.- Martin Scorses

When people ask me if I went to film school I tell them, 'no, I went to films.' -Quentin Tarantino

Cinema is the most beautiful fraud in the world. -Jean-Luc Godard

Filmmaking is a chance to live many lifetimes.- Robert Altman

Always make the audience suffer as much as possible. -Alfred Hitchcock

Cinema should make you forget you are sitting in a theater. -Roman Polanski

Shoot a few scenes out of focus. I want to win the foreign film award. -Billy Wilder

A film is never really good unless the camera is an eye in the head of a poet.- Orson Welles

Movies are like an expensive form of therapy for me. -Tim Burton

Why should people go out and pay money to see bad films when they can stay at home and see bad television for nothing? -Samuel Goldwyn

An actress is not a machine, but they treat you like a machine. A money machine. -Marilyn Monroe

The difference between life and the movies is that a script has to make sense, and life doesn't. -Joseph L. Mankiewicz